It's been a rough day.
Angelle had her baby. I'm happy for her. I really am.
I went to go see her in the hospital. Baby Erin is so little and pink and healthy. It just makes me sad. I held her, and all I could think about was that I couldn't remember Chase being that small in my arms because I wasn't able to hold him when he was that new.
And maternity rooms make me remember how totally crappy my stay was. Sick with worry, aprehensive about the future. The neonatologist coming in the room 2 days after he was born and saying, "Chase is a sweet boy, but he looks a little different."
Maternity wards are supposed to be happy places with tired moms, little bundled babies, and all sorts of congratulatory cards, balloons, and relatives. It makes me angry that I have such a negative association with them now.
It makes me angry that I can't just accept that Chase's diagnosis is what it is and will be what it is forever and ever and that's that. It drives me nuts that I can't stop myself from comparing my experiences to every one elses. I try, I really do. Does this ever get better...?
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- Laurie
- Wife to Bryan, Mom to Ian, Chase, Gavin, and Zeke. Down syndrome advocate. Literacy educator. Wine-drinking Christian. Keeper of chaos.
5 comments:
It's so hard, isn't it?
I've been there, I'm still there, I really hope it gets better.
I don't think it'll ever go away, though. Fade out, be a little less raw, maybe. I'd take that.
Cate's right. I don't think it will ever totally go away. It does get better, at least it has for me, but it seems like there will always be this sense of "why me, why my child". Comparing your experience to people who have had healthy, typical chidlren is in no way helpful, but pretty much impossible not to do. And it can hit you when you least expect it.
But my kid is only 1, and Cate's is just a little younger, and yours is a lot younger. So what do we know...maybe it will go away in time, and we're just not able to see that now. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
It is hard! I still feel like the great birth experience I was hoping for with my daughter was rudely stolen away. I still get this pit of doom in my gut when I drive by the hospital where she was born, remembering the rotton morning I received her diagnosis.
It's got to get better though, Can't live life upset over something you can't change forever!
Hugs to you.
I have a nearly 5 year old with T21 and it does get better. I don't know if it's acceptance or just seeing how much he is capable of, rather than focusing on the unknown. And the feeling does pop up every so often, usually when dealing with some idiot who should be helping to make your life easier rather than harder.
But, I do remember those days all too well. I kept the hospital breast pump for about 4 months longer than I needed to, rather than face returning it to the LC office in the birthing center.
I can totally relate...almost all of my girl friends are pregnant right now or just had babies and it has been really rough.
I also had to take Logan back to the hospital where he was born recently and all of those awful feelings came back.
I do feel the wonderful birth experience that I was waiting for was stolen away.
I am so sorry you feel this way as well.
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