Confession

I think that this little boy is supposed to be part of our family.  And since this blog is also my therapy, I am swearing you all to secrecy as I get this off of my chest and put it into actual words.

I know it is illogical and crazy, but I really believe it.  And I can't stop thinking about him.

Oh, and Bryan also thinks that I am nuts.  So, yeah, it really won't happen unless he finds a place for this little guy in his heart.  I'm working on it :)

BUT.

He is 10 months away from being sent to an institution where his chances of being adopted are slim to none (he is 5 days older than Chase, and at 4 they have to leave the baby house.)

Although his bio says that he is LOVED and a favorite at the orphanage, he has very limited potential if he stays where he is.  And we have SO MUCH.  So, so, so much.  We could CHANGE his life.  Completely.  He would have a family.  Brothers and a mom and a dad.  A room that he only shares with one other child.  Clothes that fit, and someone to rock him and hold him and read to him.

Oy.  But the thoughts going through my head:
1- Where do we find the money to do this?
2- We have a kind of full plate...could we manage one more?
3- What if he doesn't love us back?
4- What if the boys resent him instead of welcoming him?
5- Am I taking away from my own kids while trying to give to him?  Is that fair?
6- How will I feel if no one else steps up to rescue him?  Can I sit back and watch that?
7- I see the effect Chase has had on Ian...the positives.  The gentleness, the patience, the understanding.  Would that be multiplied?
8- Would he and Chasey be friends and brothers in the truest sense?  Will they get along?
9- How, when I know that we could do this in my heart, could I turn away from a child in need like this?
10- We know Down syndrome.  We understand it, and we would welcome it.

Basically, I have all these thoughts rattling around in my head and my heart.  Everything is all jumbled up and I don't even know where to start, except that my heart is telling me that everything is entirely possible, and that the logistics would fall into place because this is what is supposed to happen.

I have Bible verses (Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs on our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act." Proverbs 24:12) to Tim Gunn (Make it work, people!) echoing in my ears.  I have been reading blogs (Hi Michelle!) about adoption journeys from Reece's Rainbow and I can totally see us doing that.  In fact, I cannot see us NOT doing it.

Agh.  I don't know.  Anyhoo.  That is the lowdown on my latest mental mess.  Just had to get it out there.  And please.  This is totally in the preliminary, what-if stage.  Nothing is in stone.  Or even sand at this point.

But how can you turn away from this face?