Anxiety.

I've started feeling this baby move...which is totally nerve wracking. Yes, I love the flutters. I love feeling like this is real. But then I didn't feel anything for a few days.

At first, I told myself it was because the baby is so little and I might be busy when it moves and not notice it. And maybe the placenta is in the front, so I can't feel as much. So I'd wait to feel something. I'd lay in bed and wait in the darkness and the silence. And feel nothing.

Then someone told me an awful, tragic miscarriage story Wednesday. I couldn't help fixating on this. My next appointment is in 2 weeks for my sono. What if we get there and the picture on the screen shows a baby without a heartbeat?

This anxiety continued to build. So I did stuff to keep myself busy (hence the giant cleaning spree). But it was always in the back of my mind...this baby isn't moving anymore.

I called the doctor's office yesterday, and the nurse told me to eat something sweet and lay down for 2 hours on my side and concentrate on the movements. If I didn't get 10 movements in 2 hours, then I should come in. Are you kidding me? I haven't had 1 movement in 3 DAYS! And when am I going to lay down for 2 hours with my monkeys all over the house?

So, I ate a Moonpie, a Hershey bar, 4 giant marshmallows, and downed a big glass of apple juice. I laid down. I concentrated. And I felt nothing. Now I'm totally freaking out.

Bryan comes home to stay with the kids and I drive to the doctors, willing myself to keep it together. The nurse calls me back and asks what I'm here for, so I have to tell the whole giant story to her without falling apart. She weighs me and then I pee in a cup, wondering if there are any pregnant hormones in there anymore.

And the doctor comes in with the doppler. And finds a strong heartbeat right away. !!!!!.

THEN I fall apart, boo-hoo crying in front of her, and I can't stop, and she's hugging me and telling me that it's ok, and I'm telling her that I feel so stupid and relieved and happy and overwhelmed. I have to leave the room and checkout looking like a complete mess, trying to hold back tears, because the floodgates of emotion have opened and there's no stopping them. I almost can't talk on the phone to Bryan...I must sound like a lunatic. I get out, "Everything is ok," and I'm pretty sure the rest was uncontrollable sobbing.

It hit me today, that even though this bean is the tiniest, tiniest part of our family now, I love her (?) just as much as my big guys. How could anyone endure losing a child? Of any age? The courage, the strength to stay upright after that must be unmeasurable.

This mothering thing is not for wimps.

I rented a hospital grade fetal doppler last night. I can't take this.